Latvian Adventure

I'm back! The past few weeks have been so wonderfully exhausting and busy that I've barely had time to think, let alone blog. But I'm back now and I'm so excited to share some of the favorite moments from my trip with you! We packed so much into the two weeks that I'll probably share it in a few separate posts.

For those of you who don't know, I went to Latvia with a group called Josiah Venture to help put on music camps for kids. During the week of camp, we taught the kids from all over the country how to play different instruments and prepared them as best we could for a concert for their friends and family at the end of the week. We used music as a vehicle to share the gospel and form relationships with them. It was so amazing to feel how quickly meaningful relationships formed and see lives changed (including my own) as we went through just one week of camp.

Before camp started though, we spent a few days in Latvia's capitol city, Riga, seeing the sights and trying to get acclimated to the 8 hour time difference before we jumped into a hectic week of music camp. Riga is a stunning city with so much history- I felt like I was traveling back in time. The architecture is incredible so it was hard for me not to snap pictures of every building I saw. Here are a few shots of our time in Riga before camp:

This is the Freedom Monument in Old Town Riga commemorating their liberation from the Soviet Union

To help us better understand the culture we were serving in, we visited a museum dedicated to the memory of the soviet and communist occupation of Latvia. Though it was a sobering experience, it was so helpful in better understanding and relating to the country and its people. 

More pictures to come!

Come Awake, Come Awake

Happy Resurrection Sunday! I hope your day is filled with hope as you celebrate our God's defeat of death. This is a beautiful video of one of my favorite songs. Enjoy!

Let no one caught in sin remain

Inside the lie of inward shame

We fix our eyes upon the cross

And run to Him who showed great love



And bled for us

Freely You've bled for us



Christ is risen from the dead

Trampling over death by death

Come awake, come awake

Come and rise up from the grave



Christ is risen from the dead

We are one with Him again

Come awake, come awake

Come and rise up from the grave



Beneath the weight of all our sin

You bowed to none but Heaven's will

No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown

No burden great can hold You down



In strength You reign

Forever let Your church proclaim



O death, where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?

O church, come stand in the light

The glory of God has defeated the night

o death, where is your sting?

O hell, where is your victory?

O church, come stand in the light

Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive

A Not-Even-Quarter Life Crisis and the Hunger Games: Does It Matter?

Last semester in my Psychology class, we learned about something called the "False Uniqueness Bias", otherwise known as the "I am special effect". It's the human tendency to underestimate our own commonality in our abilities, desirability or behavior. I suppose this is somewhat true, but it's also terribly depressing.
Maybe it's just me, but I think we all have this innate desire to be extraordinary, to do something special that no one else can do. We want to matter. But my psychology class, and most everyone else, would have us believe that any "unique talents" or "uncommon dreams" we may have are actually just a result of this bias and we are, in fact, nothing special at all. Just like everybody else, we are a result of our culture's psychological influence and nothing more.

But I don't buy it.

Generally I'm not one to jump mindlessly on the popular-culture band wagon, especially when it comes to books (I'm especially skeptical of any "new" romance/comedy/action novel people throw my way...I think I have a "classical literature bias"). Usually the story has been told a thousand times, in the same ways and the old version is a million times better.

But then I read the Hunger Games. (I'm sure a lot of you are sick of the hype about these books. Well, I was too, until I read them. And now I can say unashamedly, I'm "one of those" fans.) Something about these books resonated with me as they obviously did for the majority of the world's population right now. But why? What about these books gets our blood pumping and stirs something deep within us?

Katniss Everdeen is "normal"- she comes from a small district, has the occasional fight with her mother, has unruly hair, likes to be alone, is stuck in an awkward "love-triangle" with two (pretty ideal, I must add) young men. She doesn't see anything special about herself. But everyone else can see that she is indeed "uncommon". She is incredibly brave, taking the place of her sister in the Hunger Games and thereby embracing her almost certain death. She sees the bigger picture, isn't fooled by appearances and ultimately becomes the symbol of a rebellion against an overbearing government.

So why does Katniss stand out to us? Why can we all relate with her in some way that we just can't quite nail down?

It's because she matters. She found something (or in her case, someone) she was willing to die for and didn't hold back anything. She sacrificed herself for a cause greater than herself.

Though the example of the Hunger Games is a bit extreme (we aren't living in a dystopian society where our children have to fight to the death in order for us to eat) the exaggerated story-line leaves us with an undeniable feeling. We want to fight along side Katniss. We want to matter.

While most try and boil our behavior and desires down to a science, I believe we are much more complex than that. I finished the second book last night and woke up this morning with the irrepressible feeling that my life matters and and that I'm not doing anything to live up to it. It's a feeling that makes my heart race and sink every time I think about it: my life matters. I'm getting far too comfortable with being comfortable though. The place our lives matter the most is when we are doing something that scares us. Something that makes us uncomfortable, but something that makes us feel alive. The continual question I keep asking and won't be content until I find an answer to is "how". How is my life supposed to matter and what steps can I take now? I think it is a question we all should be asking.

My Heart Is Where My Home Is

I am generally pretty independent and brave. I don't get nervous easily or homesick often.

But I'm no super-woman, and sometimes I'm just lonely.

Tonight is one of those times. How can I be lonely, you ask? I don't know. I'm surrounded by friends I absolutely adore nearly 24/7. Today was no exception, I went to a house showing, got coffee with a friend, went out to dinner, procrastinated with Taylor as usual. There is no lack of business and activity in my life. But every now and then I feel a hole in me that can only be filled by a hug from my mom or a song from my dad.

On nights like this, when I'm thinking and not sleeping, my heart always goes back to my sweet family. Sure, I enjoy being self-sufficient, but at the end of the day (quite literally) I realize how blessed I am to have them. My brother Sam's witty jokes and endless hugs. His constant drawing and movie quoting. (Sam, your drawings blow my stick figures out of the proverbial water. You are truly talented.) Dad's messes from constant construction projects. The strumming of his guitar coupled with his light, airy voice. Jess's inexhaustible energy and bouncing and running and talking. His hair flips and "I love you's". Mom's morning cup of chai and her shelves of books. Her love of conversation and the hugs only she can give. This is home. I can feel it, smell it, hear it, see it.
 

Everything has moved so quickly since I left for school that I never really thought I was "leaving home". I often forget that I don't live at home anymore. I'll only be there for less than a month this summer and for a few weeks during the year. Will home ever be "home" again? I don't really know how to handle all the transitioning in life, but I have a feeling it never ends.

When I'm feeling lonely, I don't know what else to do but thank God for it. So many kids go to college to escape their families or get away from their town. So, thank you God, for homesickness, because I reminds me of the ways you've blessed me. Tonight, when my heart is where my home is, I thank God that he has given me a family that I love enough to miss.

(Disclaimer: If you're anyone except my mom, sorry about the mushy-sentimentality of this post, but, that's what I get for drinking coffee at night and expecting to sleep at a reasonable hour. If you are my mom, you can stop crying now ;) )

What do you do to remedy loneliness? Is it a new thought to treat it as a blessing in disguise?

I hope your week has been nothing but wonderful!

~Olivia

In Loving Memory

Apparently I've been on an unintentional blogging hiatus. Life took me for a spin, and blogging took a backseat (no pun intended...my writing ability took a hiatus too). But- never fear- I am back!

Later this week I'll post about my spring break and other ideas I've been cooking up, but for now, I want to dedicate an entire post to the strongest and most loving woman I've ever had the privilege of knowing: my Grandma Judy. 

(Pardon my depressing expression...I probably didn't know this photo would end up online)

In the midst of midterms and packing for spring break, I received the horrible news that my Grandma Judy was passing away. For years, she was battling a host of terrible health problems (lung and rectal cancer and COPD mainly) and we knew it was only a matter of time before the disease overtook her. I received the call during dinner and ran outside to tell her goodbye. It was the hardest phone call I've ever made. She passed away later that night- swept into the arms of her Saviour, free from her suffering forever.

No words I say could ever do her justice- she inspired me and encouraged me and taught me more than she ever knew. I want to share part of the letter I wrote her that night after she passed away, so that you can get a small peek into the incredible person she was.

Dear Grandma Judy, 

Tonight you are with Jesus. No more pain, no more cancer, no more breathing tubes, only joy. I can't imagine what you're experiencing right now and honestly, I wish I could be there with you. You deserve rest. You deserve peace. You deserve the best and I'm so, so thankful your heart belonged to Jesus- even when your body failed you. 

Thank you so much for being the most wonderful grandma, friend and example a girl could ask for. You were always my biggest fan and taught me more than you know. I'll always treasure our tea parties and our trips to Ogallala. Some of my most precious memories are with you- eating your amazing dinners (especially the apple pie), cooking crab-cheese wontons with you, road trips to the west coast, trying on your jewelry, staying the night at your house and reading together before bed. I remember when I saw you in your old nightgown and thought you looked "as beautiful as Cinderella". I remember when you told me the story of when you and grandpa met. I'll always remember you before the cancer, but I'll also never forget your heroic fight against it. You never lost your sense of humor even when facing pain that no one should ever have to face. Thank you for your love of music, you inspire me to better myself and pursue my love for it. I want to make you proud. 

Though I will miss you terribly and there will always be a hole in my heart where you fit, I'm so glad you aren't in pain anymore and are whole and perfect. I love you so, so very much. 

Always, 

Olivia

<3 Olivia

Love is Bigger

Happy Valentines Day!
I have to admit, I've never been really excited about February 14 and I often forget about it. But I think its good to have a day (albeit a very commercialized day) to completely focus on loving others. As I thought about love this morning, I was hit by how misunderstood it is. Listen to what Paul says about love:

"And I will show you a still more excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing....Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

 If our culture has one thing completely backwards, its love. Paul never defines love as a feeling. Its not happiness, or contentment or butterflies. No, love is an action. Its patient, kind, enduring- a choice.
"If I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." Nothing. The hugeness and power of love has always astounded me. Think about it today.

And so as the rest of the world is giving chocolates, forcing their boyfriends to see The Vow, and using today as their once-a-year excuse to show affection, lets remember that love is bigger than that. And let us love today.

 

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! 

~ Olivia      

Thoughts on a Sunday: She Loved Much

I heard a sermon this morning preached from Luke 7:36-50. (Disclaimer: read it before you read this post...or it won't make any sense! Just in case you aren't within arm's reach of a Bible, here is a link to the passage.) There is a lot that could be said about this chapter, but the woman in particular stood out to me. While I so often read that passage and admire her humility or absentmindedly admit that I should love as she does, I've never actually been convicted about it until this morning's sermon. Here are my thoughts:

This nameless woman, simply because she was just that: a woman, was unwelcome at the gathering Jesus was attending. The pharisees looked down their noses at her while the tax-collectors scoffed as she entered. All eyes were on this "woman of the streets", a prostitute, someone as socially low as you could be at the time. Many probably tried physically forcing her to leave the room, others were too shocked to speak. But she, indifferent to the others, immediately went to Jesus and stood at his feet. In her hands she held an alabaster flask of perfume, probably the payment for her "profession" and the most valuable thing she owned. Her heart overwhelmed by the weight of her imperfection, she- weeping- kneels at the feet of Jesus. This action itself would have been enough to have her thrown out of the house and punished, but she goes further. Bending over Jesus' feet (the most defiled and unclean part of the body to the Hebrews), she lets her tears fall on them. As the others watch in astounded silence, she lets down her hair (a woman's glory according to Paul in 1 Corinthians) and washes the feet of a total stranger with her hair and tears. Not only that, but she pours her perfume, her most prized possession, on this man's feet, kissing them over and over.
Completely appalled by her behavior the pharisees think to themselves that if Jesus were truly a prophet as he claimed to be, he would know what a worthless, despised sinner was kissing his feet. But Jesus, knowing the pharisees' thoughts, asked them, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house, you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven- for she loved much..." 

She loved much.

The pharisees with all their wealth and party-throwing and "good-deeds" were mere hypocrites in the eyes of Jesus. But the woman, a nameless, penniless prostitute, with only her tears to offer, was considered worthy of love. I'm reminded of Isaiah 1:18- "...for though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow".
This woman in Luke 7 was an unlikely hero- despised by everyone around her, impure, filthy, an emotional wreck- but she had one thing that set her apart. She loved much. And this love, this pure, white-as-snow love, made her worthy of being loved. May we all become more like this despised woman- offering our tears and possessions at the feet of Jesus- the only one who makes us able to "love much".

Late Nights + Inspiration - Cold Medicine = Poetry!

Disclaimer: the random, jumbled mess that is this post was either brought about by my inspiration upon reading Psalm 57 or my lack of sleep and Niquil. You decide.


I'd say about 79% of my day is spent wishing I could somehow write down what I'm thinking. I constantly have wordless ideas and silent songs streaming through my head, but rarely find the time or motivation to "enflesh" them by putting pen to paper. I sometimes wonder how many great songs were silenced simply because the writer never made time to listen and write them down. Quite a few, no doubt. 
Tonight, as I read Psalm 57, I was struck by David's poetry, so beautiful yet so straight-forward. He apparently wrote this particular psalm while in a cave, hiding for his life. Talk about writing under pressure. David's heart was so full of "silent songs" that he couldn't help but give them life. And tonight, his words inspired me. So I listened and I wrote.
I wrote this poem- though rough and sing-songy- in response to David's. Much of the poem was taken directly from the Psalm, but I also wanted to include elements of my own, so I took it in a new direction. I'd elaborate more, but I'm sick, its 2:30 am, and I think my creativity has nearly run it's course. So, goodnight to all and without further ado, my poem:

Come, my heart
Have you no voice?
Through shadows and broken sounds
I will cry out

Remember, my heart
Have you forgotten?
Through incarnate grace you were formed
Beautiful

Awake, my heart-
How long will you slumber?
-To a purpose enfleshed
By Humble Birth

Sing, my heart
Though words come slowly
Sing, for what greater love is there on earth?

Awake, my heart
Awake, my glory
Awake and sing of steadfast love.
Awake my heart
Awake my glory
Awake the dawn with living songs.

Relevant Magazine: Women, Stop Submitting to Men

This article is from relevantmagazine.com, one of my favorite websites. I read it and was so encouraged I wanted to share it here. It does an excellent job of describing how devastating our culture's influence has been on our view of women, but also offers the hopeful, Biblical side too. Enjoy!

“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
Quote Ephesians 5:22 in a small group, a meeting, a marital argument, a dinner among friends or even a Facebook status and just watch what happens. This little line from one of Paul’s many letters is perhaps one of the most hotly debated in all of Scripture. But why is it so controversial—and what does it really mean?
Those of us who hold to so-called “traditional gender roles” are often assumed to believe women should submit to men. This isn’t true. Indeed, a primary problem in our culture and in our churches isn’t that women aren’t submissive enough to men, but instead that they are far too submissive.
First of all, it just isn’t so that women are called to submit while men are not. In Scripture, every creature is called to submit, often in different ways and at different times. Children are to submit to their parents, although this is certainly a different sort of submission than that envisioned for marriage. Church members are to submit to faithful pastors (Heb. 13:17). All of us are to submit to the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-7; 1 Peter 2:13-17). Of course, we are all to submit, as creatures, to our God (James 4:7).
And, yes, wives are called to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:22; 1 Peter 3:1-6). But that’s just the point. In the Bible, it is not that women, generally, are to submit to men, generally. Instead, “wives” are to submit “to your own husbands” (1 Peter 3:1).
Too often in our culture, women and girls are pressured to submit to men, as a category. This is the reason so many women, even feminist women, are consumed with what men, in general, think of them. This is the reason a woman’s value in our society, too often, is defined in terms of sexual attractiveness and availability. Is it any wonder that so many of our girls and women are destroyed by a predatory patriarchy that demeans the dignity and glory of what it means to be a woman?
Submitting to men in general renders it impossible to submit to one’s “own husband.” Submission to one’s husband means faithfulness to him, and to him alone, which means saying “no” to other suitors.
Submission to a right authority always means a corresponding refusal to submit to a false authority. Eve’s submission to the Serpent’s word meant she refused to submit to God’s. On the other hand, Mary’s submission to God’s word about the child within her meant she refused to submit to Herod’s. God repeatedly charges His Bride, the people of Israel, with a refusal to submit to Him because they have submitted to the advances of other lovers. The freedom of the Gospel means, the apostle tells us, that we “do not submit again to a yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).
Despite the promise of female empowerment in the present age, the sexual revolution has given us the reverse. Is it really an advance for women that the average high-school male has seen images of women sexually exploited and humiliated on the Internet? Is it really empowerment to have more and more women economically at the mercy of men who freely abandon them and their children, often with little legal recourse?
Is this really a “pro-woman” culture when restaurant chains enable men to pay to ogle women in tight T-shirts while they gobble down chicken wings? How likely is it that a woman with the attractiveness of Henry Kissinger will obtain power or celebrity status in American culture? What about the girl in your community pressured to perform sexual favors for a boyfriend; what is this but a patriarchy brutal enough for a Bronze Age warlord?
In the church it is little better. Too many of our girls and young women are tyrannized by the expectation to look a certain way, to weigh a certain amount, in order to gain the attention of “guys.”
Additionally, too many predatory men have crept in among us, all too willing to exploit young women by pretending to be “spiritual leaders” (2 Timothy 3:1-9; 2 Peter 2). Do not be deceived: a man who will use spiritual categories for carnal purposes is a man who cannot be trusted with fidelity, with provision, with protection, with the fatherhood of children. The same is true for a man who will not guard the moral sanctity of a woman not, or not yet, his wife.
We have empowered this pagan patriarchy. Fathers assume their responsibility to daughters in this regard starts and stops in walking a bride down an aisle at the end of the process. Pastors refuse to identify and call out spiritual impostors before it’s too late. And through it all we expect our girls and women to be submissive to men in general, rather than to one man in particular.
For women, sexual and emotional purity means a refusal to submit to “men,” in order to submit to God and to their own husband, even one whose name and face they do not yet know. Closeness with a husband, present or future, means a distance from every man who isn’t, or who possibly might not be, him.
Beauty is found not in external (and fleeting) youth and “attractiveness” but in the “hidden person of the heart” which “in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:3-4). And it will be beautiful in the sight of a man who is propelled by the Spirit of this God.
Women owe no submission to Hollywood or to Madison Avenue, or to those who listen to them. Worth and dignity cannot be defined by them. Girls, stop comparing yourselves to supermodels and porn stars. Stop loathing your body, or your age. Stop feeling inferior to vaporous glamor. You are beautiful.
There is no biblical category for “boyfriend” or “lover,” and we owe such designation no submission. In fact, to be submissive to her future husband, a woman must stand back and evaluate, with rigid scrutiny, “Is this the one who is to come, or is there another?” That requires an emotional and physical distance until there is a lifelong covenant made, until she stands before one who is her “own husband.”

Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as unto the Lord. Yes and Amen. But, women, stop submitting to men.

"And They Had All Things In Common...."

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." ~ Matthew 18:20

Tonight was a spectacular night. A few friends and I were invited to a spur of the moment worship night in the home of complete strangers, and so, of course, we went. Not knowing anyone else there or what to expect once we arrived, we filed into the basement where the group of about 15 college kids sat in a circle with a few guitars and an i-pod. The group was diverse and unfamiliar, but we all had one thing in common: a love for Jesus. One of the guys spoke up and said that Jesus told him to have a worship night to "re-focus and de-stress" during finals week. And am I ever glad He did.
The night wasn't anything fancy. It didn't take a team of professional event planners to put together. There were no lights, no slideshows, no dramas. Just Jesus and kids who were hungry to worship him together. We prayed for unity among the campus ministries and for Christ to use us as agents for His change. We prayed over each other. We prayed for focus during finals. We saw healing. We sang out to God, lifting our voices and our hands to Him in chilling reverence. It was beautiful.
As I sat on the floor, eyes closed, heart raised to God, I couldn't help but picture the early church. They were a small group, much like we were, but they "had all things in common". I realized that this is how it should be. In Christ, total strangers can be drawn together out of the blue and leave, after mere hours, completely changed and knit together. The beauty of Christianity is the community we have to encourage, teach and worship with us. Tonight we embraced that gift, and it was beautiful, for Christ truly was there with us.

Obnoxiously Long but Life-Changing Thoughts

Sometimes God has to re-teach me something I've "known" my entire life. This past month has been one of those times. I've "learned" that knowing something in your head is about 19,594 times easier than knowing it in your heart and then living it out. To illustrate this, I want to share a few journal entries that I wrote over the past couple of weeks. The struggle should be apparent. Or it just might confuse you further. But either way, God taught me something about His will that has encouraged me greatly, and I hope it does the same for you.

                                                                                                                              November 27, 2011
It's 1 o'clock in the morning. I'm laying in bed in Nebraska at the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving break, but I can't sleep. My soul is wide awake and insists on keeping the rest of me up with it. I can't really even describe how I feel right now- longing yet contentment, excitement yet anxiety, confusion yet faith. All my emotions are wound and intertwined so deeply I can barely make sense of them. Yet one thing is completely certain to me: I want to matter. I want my life to truly matter- to make a difference in many other lives, to be lived with passion that sometimes doesn't make sense, to love with a love that is too powerful to be my own, and to glorify the One who gave it to me to live. I want to be vulnerable and completely dependent on Christ. I want to get to the place where my every decision, conversation, smile and glance reflects him to the watching world. I want to matter. But the problem is, I don't know how......

And later.......

November 28, 2011

I shouldn't be allowed to read books. There is something about certain books I read that makes me want to completely change my life. The first was Do Hard Things. We read it in Algebra class, of all places. Its about our culture's low expectations for teens, and it completely change my outlook and goals for my life. Now I'm reading Kisses From Katie- and I want my life to change. Katie moved to Uganda at age 19, started a non-profit ministry educating and feeding over 400 children, adopted 14 daughters of her own and tirelessly cares for the people in the surrounding villages. She is the kind of person we will read about in history books someday. And, of course, I'm inspired, restless and confused by her story.
I still can't make sense of my feelings. Half of me believes I'm where I should be, but the other half longs for adventure and growth. I feel torn. What am I doing spending 1000's of dollars at a college if all I want to be doing is getting my hands dirty and serving? I know there are opportunities to serve here, but I feel like I should be where the need is greatest. All of the needs around me seem to pale when compared to the starving, diseased, dirty, uneducated needs of those Katie is serving. Am I wasting my time? I don't know. But I do know that I need to set aside my own agenda. I know that I'm here- in at school, in my dorm, with my new friends- right now, and I should be serving and loving where I'm at. How could I serve anywhere else if I'm not doing it now? Good question.....
Right now I have two main passions: missions and writing music. I'm terrified by the thought of having to give up music, but then I've never really accomplished enough to give up. But the dream is still there, and the passion still burns inside me like a tea kettle about to boil. I need to act on something. I can't stand feeling unresolved or in the middle. I'm like a sentence without a period, or a song with a dissonant ending. I need to be okay with that. Maybe this season of unrest and uncertainty is really a blessing in disguise. Maybe whatever is to come will be well worth the wait. Maybe my time in "limbo" will prove to be a period of huge growth. Whatever the case, I'm available, and that's when God moves the most.

And today....

December 3, 2011

For the past month or so, my heart has been crying our to God for direction. I feared I was in the "wrong" place, not serving as much as I should be, not growing the way I wanted to. I shared my desire to make a difference and find "where I'm supposed to be" with my Bible study, friends and family, who encouraged me to pray for specifics. And I did. Constantly, I asked God to tell me exactly where he wanted me. But nothing happened. There were no flashing lights in the sky, no messenger from God telling me to move to Africa and save orphans, not even a "feeling" telling me to change, nothing but my desire to serve and the knowledge that His will is good- whatever it is.
But today I went to the gym.
For some reason I decided to google sermons about knowing God's will before I went. I figured I could use all the help I could get. When one from John Piper popped up, I knew I couldn't go wrong. The title of the sermon was "What is the Will of God and How Do We Know It?". Perfect. Just what I needed.
And so I got on the treadmill and just ran for an hour letting Piper's message spill over me. And do you know what happened? I found out God's will. Only the best part was, I knew it all along. Piper talked about two different "wills" God has, or two things the Bible means when it says "God's will". The will of command (what is revealed in Scripture) and the will of decree (God's "secret" unrevealed will that only He knows. Like the future...) At one point in the message I felt God speaking directly to me: Olivia, "there is a world of difference between people who lead their lives constantly hoping for and expecting messages to pop into their head about which way to go, which car to buy, which person to marry and Romans 12:2 (look it up!)...There are ten thousand decisions you must make that are not explicitly addressed in the Bible. So what do you do? You must have a renewed mind. Be transformed by the renewal of your mind that you may prove how to eat, how to drink, cars to drive, houses to live in, missions to go on, friendships to cultivate...There are ten thousand decisions not written in the Bible, and yet informed by all the teachings of the Bible into this new mind; so that you think with the mind of Christ...so that the decisions that are made are flowing from the revealed will of God in the Bible as it transforms your mind"
As I prayed to specifics over the past few weeks, I was expecting a "message" or for things to suddenly become clear to me. That prayer was answered, but the specifics weren't what I had expected. God told me to love. God told me to serve. God told me to be where I am. God told me to pursue my love for writing and music AND to pursue missions and that those things don't have to clash.
And so several-week-long-story short, God told me everything I already knew in my head, but had to re-learn on my own for it to affect my heart.
The freedom he has given me to choose is beautiful, but the sovereignty he has over the life I'm living is freeing. Paradox? Yes. Impossible? Never.


So, did I discover my future and what God has in store for me? No. But I did learn that living with a renewed mind WHERE I'M AT is the best way to "matter". That's his will for me, and it's the same will for you.



Ps. Here is the link to John Piper's sermon (its free!) so you all can get a great work out AND learn God's will for your life!
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/what-is-the-will-of-god-and-how-do-we-know-it

Mid-November Resolutions

Its 11/11/11- and what a perfect day for a new start! I'll take any excuse I can get.

Lately, I've been feeling my priorities slowing shifting so that eventually they reverse themselves. Or should I say, I eventually reverse them. Try as I may, I can never keep them in line, and despite my (hardly) noble efforts, time with the Lord always ends up somewhere crunched behind homework, facebook and watching Community. Pathetic, I know.
I have daily "quiet times" almost religiously, (Whenever I throw the word "religiously" in...its usually not a positive thing) but lately they've felt dry and lacking, namely, the Lord's presence; a sure sign that change is needed.
So. My 11/11/11 resolution (drum roll please....) is to give God the place in my day he deserves, first. I will take him off my "to-do list" and let him take me where he wants. I won't open my laptop, touch the TV remote, or open a book to study until I've told God that he is more important than those things and given him time to respond.
I want my relationship with him to be vibrant, alive. I want to feel him with me throughout the day, instead of just forcing myself to read a chapter, pray a little while I'm half asleep in bed and call it quits.
So this morning (after I apologized for spending the better half of it online), I reset my sights (for the 100th time) and pray that the Lord will help me keep this "mid-November resolution".
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To start things off right this morning, I made a cup of pumpkin spice coffee, curled up by the window and read Psalm 1. It was "coincidentally" exactly what I needed to read, so I thought I'd share it:

Psalm 1
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners;
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.


He is like a tress planted by streams of water
that yields fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all he does, he prospers. 

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(Disclaimer: I realize the irony of blogging this technology-is-distracting-me-from-God post...but I thought it was worth sharing, and hope you all do too!)

Nerf Wars, Silence, and Single-Hood

Three things about living the "college-life" stand out to me right now.
1. Its loud. Always. Dorm rooms aren't exactly a restful place to find solace after a stressful day of classes. They are the opposite of that actually. There is always that one guy who blasts music unnecessarily loud from his concert sized sound system that takes up more space than his bed and desk combined. That guy's music is "serenading" me right now, which is my excuse for the jumbled mess that is this post. There are always the people who either don't have any classes (in which case, what are they doing in college?), or just enjoy sitting, singing, dancing, yelling, having nerf gun wars, or playing football in the halls so much that they never go to class. I haven't decided which.

2. It takes serious premeditation to find ways to be truly alone. Even in my room I'm not alone. I've always considered myself a "people person", but I'm realizing how much quiet, alone time helps my sanity. In Psalm 46:10, God encourages us to, "Be still and know that I am God". Finding time to "be still", time to just be, is becoming increasingly difficult, yet increasingly important. When I'm not still before God, when I don't refocus my goals for the day, when I don't make the time to "be", my mood shows it.

3. More on 1 and 2 later. Something else has been painfully obvious to me over the past few weeks. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is either dating, in love, convinced that they're in love, engaged, or married. Being single isn't exactly a popular option. Everywhere I look there are couples. Everything I read has a "dating section". Professors, pastors, friends, and even random strangers crack dating jokes and try to "set you up". It is college, and relationships are expected. Not only that, they are encouraged.

And then there's me. 

Single for the past 18 years. What am I missing that everyone else has? Am I friends with the wrong group of people? Do I say the wrong things? Look the wrong way? (Hey, I know the cookies in the dining halls are a problem, but I'm nowhere near the freshman-15!) Do I wear the wrong clothes? Sit at the wrong tables? Is there something in my teeth?...The constant reminder of my "single-hood" haunts me, until I almost settle. Settle for less, or settle for being single. But I shouldn't have to settle. Contentment is hard to find, and waiting is hard to learn, but those are two of the most powerful lessons life can teach.
I'm learning that single-hood is a time to unashamedly pursue God's best for me, learning to love Him with everything that I have.  Even if all I have is my complaints and longings for change. Even if all I can offer is my lonely, single self.
Being single is a time to focus on myself. I can barely handle my own schedule, emotions, goals and mistakes. What makes me think I can handle someone else's? I consider my years of being "un-yolked" (to use the weird, Biblcal term) as preparation for if/when that changes. It may happen tomorrow. It may happen next year. It may never happen. But whether it does or not, I don't want it to be because I caved beneath the pressure of an expectant generation. I want it to be because I was so completely following where my Saviour led, that he "gave me the desires of my heart".

"God is very good to those who trust in Him, and He often surprises them with unlooked-for blessings. Little do we know what may happen to us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may encourage us. Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today or tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance" - Charles Spurgeon

Meanwhile.....

I've been avoiding posting anything on here lately. I've been fighting for inspiration, but it hasn't been easy to find. So instead of thinking of anything new to say, I'll just post an entry from my journal that I wrote last weekend while on a retreat with a college group at a local church. The weekend was a much needed stop of regular life- so often I get caught up in the routine of the day that I forget the significance each moment holds. The retreat helped me slow down and remember:

October 22, 2011
I'm nestled away in the mountains of Estes Park, just me and Jesus. It's a much needed break from the rush of college life and the still of the morning reminds me that usually God is louder in the silence than in the earthquake, wind or fire of daily life.

"And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great, strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind and earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper...and behold there came a voice that said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" ~ I Kings 19:11-13

This passage came into my head as I sat outside, drinking in the silence. I could hear an airplane off in the distance and the sound was like a deep cello adding a bass line to the low hum of the wind. I felt like August Rush for a moment, but realized that if you listen, there truly is music all around. That's how powerful music is. It's a language even airplanes and breezes can speak.
I think when it is silent enough to hear that kind of music, God will speak the loudest.

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 My "indie" coffee shot

 Fun in beautiful Estes Park

 

We clearly have a very extensive vocabulary.......

Born for the Sunrise

It's 8:00 AM, and given the choice, I would probably still be asleep. I don't have class until one, so sleeping the day away isn't an uncommon pastime. However, I've recently discovered the beauty of jumping out of bed at 5:30 to quiet my vibrating alarm clock, drinking a cup of coffee and reading a chapter or two of Spurgeon's Morning devotional to wake up my heart too, all before the rest of campus is even awake. It's silent, which is a sound that is rarely (if ever) heard on a college campus, and I'm learning to soak it in every chance I get.
Taylor (one of my new favourite people) and I have started a weekly ritual of trekking up to Horsetooth reservoir every Monday morning to watch the sunrise. Last week I brought my guitar and we had a early morning worship session overlooking the city. Today we just chatted and drank tea, watching the pink sun push its way over the horizon.
There is something about forcing myself to start the day earlier that motivates me to excel at everything else I have to do. Maybe its just because I have more time to do it, or maybe its because seeing the day begin reminds me that the God who painted the sunrise is in control of my little life and there's nothing I can do to change that.

"What is the good of your stars and trees, your sunrise and the wind, if they do not enter into our daily lives?" ~EM Forester  

"There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope. "~ Bern Williams

Too Much Late Night Thinking...

I decided that I think far too much. I need to fill my time with other things. But all my musing has led to a lot of "self-discovery" and some beautiful revelations about who my Saviour is and what He wants from me. I've wrote more songs since I've been here than I did all of last year, although it's been stretching me having to write without my piano or guitar.

I wanted to share some of the lyrics I scribbled down in my journal a few nights ago. It really shows where I'm at right now- with all the distraction and newness surrounding me, I want to be filled by the only One who can satisfy: 

Awake me from my sleep and I will run

Raise me up out of the deep and I will run

Give my soul the life it seeks

You are the only source to breathe

Awake me from this sleep and I will run

I will run to you- my soul is thirsty

For the life only you can bring.

If I seek it on my own

I will run forever on.

I will run to you, fill my soul. 

Call me out of my own dreams and I will run. 

Let me be your hands and feet and I will run.

Speak life into these bones, 

Search my heart, it's not my own.

Awake me from this sleep and I will run.

Its very simple and rough....but I thought I'd share. 

I had this vision in my head of me dropping everything behind me- my pride, my insecurities, my identity (all of which have been stumbling blocks)- dropping them, as if they were literal, physical things, and running to Jesus. 

I told you so.

These past two weeks have been the "I told you so" of my entire high school career. I've gotten to test what I learned, but aside from that, I've realized how important it is to be grounded in what you believe BEFORE you get to college. And that makes me so grateful for the education I received before I got here.

Through my entire high school career I knew that when I get to college my professors will (most-likely) fiercely disagree with what I believe. I was taught that the "dead, white males" who made so many advancements in history will be frowned upon and every story will be twisted to make women seem oppressed and smarter than the average man. They warned me that the Bible will be put in the same category as The Epic of Gilgamesh, or Homer's Oddessy. Truth will be relative, you will be crazy, and the professors will be geniuses with degrees and letters behind their name. All this was drilled into my head, but learning it for myself is a different experience completely.

In my World Literature class, we read The Epic of Gilgamesh (which I've already read), The Oddessy and the Iliad (which I've already read), Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (which I've already read), Dante's Divine Comedy, The Canterbury Tales, Augustine's Confessions (all of which I've....)....you get the picture. Despite my familiarity with the texts, I was thrown off by my professor's interpretation of them. We just finished a discussion on Genesis and Job, and she made it very clear that we were to read it "as literature". Objectively. Read it like you would read about Zeus or the creation account in Gilgamesh, she said. However, I just can't do that. Having "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..." conveniently placed next to "when the gods created Gilgamesh", and "When in splendor you first took your throne high in the precinct of heaven, O living God, life truly began" (from Akhenaten's hymn to the sun), really seems to reduce the Bible's creation account to yet another myth.

In my Study of Literature class we are reading Virginia Wolff's Mrs. Dalloway. Virginia Wolff is known for two things: feminism and drowning herself. The main character of the book, Clarissa Dalloway, questions her identity, sexuality and purpose. The other main character, Septimus Smith, is insane and eventually commits suicide. It's written in "stream of consciousness", meaning it basically jumps all over the place, following the thoughts of the deranged characters with no real structure or plot.

What have I gotten myself into?

Despite the newness, the hostility, and the confusion, I love it. I've discovered that I thrive in an environment of opposition. It pushes me to search for why I believe what I believe (or just look back on my notes from Theology class...), and so far my faith is soaring rather than sinking. My heart breaks for these people who think they know the truth (or the lack thereof), and I pray that somehow God will use me to be a light in this dark place.

So go ahead and say it. You really did tell me so. But the only thing I can say is thank you. Without what I learned before I came here, I'm sure I would be falling in every literary trap set for me. I know I'm no expert, and I'm sure I've many more challenges to face, but being sure that the Bible is what it claims to be and God is in control of it all makes everything else fall in to place.