Its 11/11/11- and what a perfect day for a new start! I'll take any excuse I can get.
Lately, I've been feeling my priorities slowing shifting so that eventually they reverse themselves. Or should I say, I eventually reverse them. Try as I may, I can never keep them in line, and despite my (hardly) noble efforts, time with the Lord always ends up somewhere crunched behind homework, facebook and watching Community. Pathetic, I know.
I have daily "quiet times" almost religiously, (Whenever I throw the word "religiously" in...its usually not a positive thing) but lately they've felt dry and lacking, namely, the Lord's presence; a sure sign that change is needed.
So. My 11/11/11 resolution (drum roll please....) is to give God the place in my day he deserves, first. I will take him off my "to-do list" and let him take me where he wants. I won't open my laptop, touch the TV remote, or open a book to study until I've told God that he is more important than those things and given him time to respond.
I want my relationship with him to be vibrant, alive. I want to feel him with me throughout the day, instead of just forcing myself to read a chapter, pray a little while I'm half asleep in bed and call it quits.
So this morning (after I apologized for spending the better half of it online), I reset my sights (for the 100th time) and pray that the Lord will help me keep this "mid-November resolution".
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To start things off right this morning, I made a cup of pumpkin spice coffee, curled up by the window and read Psalm 1. It was "coincidentally" exactly what I needed to read, so I thought I'd share it:
Psalm 1
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners;
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tress planted by streams of water
that yields fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all he does, he prospers.
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(Disclaimer: I realize the irony of blogging this technology-is-distracting-me-from-God post...but I thought it was worth sharing, and hope you all do too!)
“We have been called to participate in the world’s creation from the very beginning. Making music. Baking Cakes. Sewing curtains. These things mean something greater: that we have been known from the very start. Our eye color, our hairline, our jawline, the shape of our big toe, the tone of our voice. These things have been designed from the very beginning. What kind of music we listen to. The sort of skirt that looks good. The baseball cap, the tennis shoe, the orange bandana. We have been made to find these things for ourselves and take them in as ours, like adopted children: habits, hobbies, idiosyncrasies, gestures, moods, tastes, tendencies, worries. They have been put in us for good measure.
Perhaps we dont like what we see: our hips, our loss of hair, our shoe size, our dimples, our knuckles too big, our eating habits, our disposition. We have disclosed these things in secret, likes and dislikes, behind doors with locks, our lonely rooms, our messy desks, our empty hearts, our sudden bursts of energy, our sudden bouts of depression. Don’t worry. Put away your mirrors and your beauty magazines and your books on tape. There is someone right here who knows you more than you do, who is making room on the couch, who is fixing a meal, who is putting on your favorite record, who is listening intently to what you have to say, who is standing there with you, face to face, hand to hand, eye to eye, mouth to mouth. There is no space left uncovered. This is where you belong.”
Perhaps we dont like what we see: our hips, our loss of hair, our shoe size, our dimples, our knuckles too big, our eating habits, our disposition. We have disclosed these things in secret, likes and dislikes, behind doors with locks, our lonely rooms, our messy desks, our empty hearts, our sudden bursts of energy, our sudden bouts of depression. Don’t worry. Put away your mirrors and your beauty magazines and your books on tape. There is someone right here who knows you more than you do, who is making room on the couch, who is fixing a meal, who is putting on your favorite record, who is listening intently to what you have to say, who is standing there with you, face to face, hand to hand, eye to eye, mouth to mouth. There is no space left uncovered. This is where you belong.”
| — | Sufjan Stevens |
Nerf Wars, Silence, and Single-Hood
Three things about living the "college-life" stand out to me right now.
1. Its loud. Always. Dorm rooms aren't exactly a restful place to find solace after a stressful day of classes. They are the opposite of that actually. There is always that one guy who blasts music unnecessarily loud from his concert sized sound system that takes up more space than his bed and desk combined. That guy's music is "serenading" me right now, which is my excuse for the jumbled mess that is this post. There are always the people who either don't have any classes (in which case, what are they doing in college?), or just enjoy sitting, singing, dancing, yelling, having nerf gun wars, or playing football in the halls so much that they never go to class. I haven't decided which.
2. It takes serious premeditation to find ways to be truly alone. Even in my room I'm not alone. I've always considered myself a "people person", but I'm realizing how much quiet, alone time helps my sanity. In Psalm 46:10, God encourages us to, "Be still and know that I am God". Finding time to "be still", time to just be, is becoming increasingly difficult, yet increasingly important. When I'm not still before God, when I don't refocus my goals for the day, when I don't make the time to "be", my mood shows it.
3. More on 1 and 2 later. Something else has been painfully obvious to me over the past few weeks. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is either dating, in love, convinced that they're in love, engaged, or married. Being single isn't exactly a popular option. Everywhere I look there are couples. Everything I read has a "dating section". Professors, pastors, friends, and even random strangers crack dating jokes and try to "set you up". It is college, and relationships are expected. Not only that, they are encouraged.
And then there's me.
Single for the past 18 years. What am I missing that everyone else has? Am I friends with the wrong group of people? Do I say the wrong things? Look the wrong way? (Hey, I know the cookies in the dining halls are a problem, but I'm nowhere near the freshman-15!) Do I wear the wrong clothes? Sit at the wrong tables? Is there something in my teeth?...The constant reminder of my "single-hood" haunts me, until I almost settle. Settle for less, or settle for being single. But I shouldn't have to settle. Contentment is hard to find, and waiting is hard to learn, but those are two of the most powerful lessons life can teach.
I'm learning that single-hood is a time to unashamedly pursue God's best for me, learning to love Him with everything that I have. Even if all I have is my complaints and longings for change. Even if all I can offer is my lonely, single self.
Being single is a time to focus on myself. I can barely handle my own schedule, emotions, goals and mistakes. What makes me think I can handle someone else's? I consider my years of being "un-yolked" (to use the weird, Biblcal term) as preparation for if/when that changes. It may happen tomorrow. It may happen next year. It may never happen. But whether it does or not, I don't want it to be because I caved beneath the pressure of an expectant generation. I want it to be because I was so completely following where my Saviour led, that he "gave me the desires of my heart".
"God is very good to those who trust in Him, and He often surprises them with unlooked-for blessings. Little do we know what may happen to us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may encourage us. Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today or tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance" - Charles Spurgeon
1. Its loud. Always. Dorm rooms aren't exactly a restful place to find solace after a stressful day of classes. They are the opposite of that actually. There is always that one guy who blasts music unnecessarily loud from his concert sized sound system that takes up more space than his bed and desk combined. That guy's music is "serenading" me right now, which is my excuse for the jumbled mess that is this post. There are always the people who either don't have any classes (in which case, what are they doing in college?), or just enjoy sitting, singing, dancing, yelling, having nerf gun wars, or playing football in the halls so much that they never go to class. I haven't decided which.
2. It takes serious premeditation to find ways to be truly alone. Even in my room I'm not alone. I've always considered myself a "people person", but I'm realizing how much quiet, alone time helps my sanity. In Psalm 46:10, God encourages us to, "Be still and know that I am God". Finding time to "be still", time to just be, is becoming increasingly difficult, yet increasingly important. When I'm not still before God, when I don't refocus my goals for the day, when I don't make the time to "be", my mood shows it.
3. More on 1 and 2 later. Something else has been painfully obvious to me over the past few weeks. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, is either dating, in love, convinced that they're in love, engaged, or married. Being single isn't exactly a popular option. Everywhere I look there are couples. Everything I read has a "dating section". Professors, pastors, friends, and even random strangers crack dating jokes and try to "set you up". It is college, and relationships are expected. Not only that, they are encouraged.
And then there's me.
Single for the past 18 years. What am I missing that everyone else has? Am I friends with the wrong group of people? Do I say the wrong things? Look the wrong way? (Hey, I know the cookies in the dining halls are a problem, but I'm nowhere near the freshman-15!) Do I wear the wrong clothes? Sit at the wrong tables? Is there something in my teeth?...The constant reminder of my "single-hood" haunts me, until I almost settle. Settle for less, or settle for being single. But I shouldn't have to settle. Contentment is hard to find, and waiting is hard to learn, but those are two of the most powerful lessons life can teach.
I'm learning that single-hood is a time to unashamedly pursue God's best for me, learning to love Him with everything that I have. Even if all I have is my complaints and longings for change. Even if all I can offer is my lonely, single self.
Being single is a time to focus on myself. I can barely handle my own schedule, emotions, goals and mistakes. What makes me think I can handle someone else's? I consider my years of being "un-yolked" (to use the weird, Biblcal term) as preparation for if/when that changes. It may happen tomorrow. It may happen next year. It may never happen. But whether it does or not, I don't want it to be because I caved beneath the pressure of an expectant generation. I want it to be because I was so completely following where my Saviour led, that he "gave me the desires of my heart".
"God is very good to those who trust in Him, and He often surprises them with unlooked-for blessings. Little do we know what may happen to us tomorrow, but this sweet fact may encourage us. Chance is banished from the faith of Christians, for they see the hand of God in everything. The trivial events of today or tomorrow may involve consequences of the highest importance" - Charles Spurgeon
Snowy-day Soundtrack
Some days just feel like they need a soundtrack. Today is one of them. It snowed again last night and campus is beautiful- too beautiful not to have music to go with it. If my mood today had a theme song, it would be this song by Jonsi.
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