Obnoxiously Long but Life-Changing Thoughts

Sometimes God has to re-teach me something I've "known" my entire life. This past month has been one of those times. I've "learned" that knowing something in your head is about 19,594 times easier than knowing it in your heart and then living it out. To illustrate this, I want to share a few journal entries that I wrote over the past couple of weeks. The struggle should be apparent. Or it just might confuse you further. But either way, God taught me something about His will that has encouraged me greatly, and I hope it does the same for you.

                                                                                                                              November 27, 2011
It's 1 o'clock in the morning. I'm laying in bed in Nebraska at the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving break, but I can't sleep. My soul is wide awake and insists on keeping the rest of me up with it. I can't really even describe how I feel right now- longing yet contentment, excitement yet anxiety, confusion yet faith. All my emotions are wound and intertwined so deeply I can barely make sense of them. Yet one thing is completely certain to me: I want to matter. I want my life to truly matter- to make a difference in many other lives, to be lived with passion that sometimes doesn't make sense, to love with a love that is too powerful to be my own, and to glorify the One who gave it to me to live. I want to be vulnerable and completely dependent on Christ. I want to get to the place where my every decision, conversation, smile and glance reflects him to the watching world. I want to matter. But the problem is, I don't know how......

And later.......

November 28, 2011

I shouldn't be allowed to read books. There is something about certain books I read that makes me want to completely change my life. The first was Do Hard Things. We read it in Algebra class, of all places. Its about our culture's low expectations for teens, and it completely change my outlook and goals for my life. Now I'm reading Kisses From Katie- and I want my life to change. Katie moved to Uganda at age 19, started a non-profit ministry educating and feeding over 400 children, adopted 14 daughters of her own and tirelessly cares for the people in the surrounding villages. She is the kind of person we will read about in history books someday. And, of course, I'm inspired, restless and confused by her story.
I still can't make sense of my feelings. Half of me believes I'm where I should be, but the other half longs for adventure and growth. I feel torn. What am I doing spending 1000's of dollars at a college if all I want to be doing is getting my hands dirty and serving? I know there are opportunities to serve here, but I feel like I should be where the need is greatest. All of the needs around me seem to pale when compared to the starving, diseased, dirty, uneducated needs of those Katie is serving. Am I wasting my time? I don't know. But I do know that I need to set aside my own agenda. I know that I'm here- in at school, in my dorm, with my new friends- right now, and I should be serving and loving where I'm at. How could I serve anywhere else if I'm not doing it now? Good question.....
Right now I have two main passions: missions and writing music. I'm terrified by the thought of having to give up music, but then I've never really accomplished enough to give up. But the dream is still there, and the passion still burns inside me like a tea kettle about to boil. I need to act on something. I can't stand feeling unresolved or in the middle. I'm like a sentence without a period, or a song with a dissonant ending. I need to be okay with that. Maybe this season of unrest and uncertainty is really a blessing in disguise. Maybe whatever is to come will be well worth the wait. Maybe my time in "limbo" will prove to be a period of huge growth. Whatever the case, I'm available, and that's when God moves the most.

And today....

December 3, 2011

For the past month or so, my heart has been crying our to God for direction. I feared I was in the "wrong" place, not serving as much as I should be, not growing the way I wanted to. I shared my desire to make a difference and find "where I'm supposed to be" with my Bible study, friends and family, who encouraged me to pray for specifics. And I did. Constantly, I asked God to tell me exactly where he wanted me. But nothing happened. There were no flashing lights in the sky, no messenger from God telling me to move to Africa and save orphans, not even a "feeling" telling me to change, nothing but my desire to serve and the knowledge that His will is good- whatever it is.
But today I went to the gym.
For some reason I decided to google sermons about knowing God's will before I went. I figured I could use all the help I could get. When one from John Piper popped up, I knew I couldn't go wrong. The title of the sermon was "What is the Will of God and How Do We Know It?". Perfect. Just what I needed.
And so I got on the treadmill and just ran for an hour letting Piper's message spill over me. And do you know what happened? I found out God's will. Only the best part was, I knew it all along. Piper talked about two different "wills" God has, or two things the Bible means when it says "God's will". The will of command (what is revealed in Scripture) and the will of decree (God's "secret" unrevealed will that only He knows. Like the future...) At one point in the message I felt God speaking directly to me: Olivia, "there is a world of difference between people who lead their lives constantly hoping for and expecting messages to pop into their head about which way to go, which car to buy, which person to marry and Romans 12:2 (look it up!)...There are ten thousand decisions you must make that are not explicitly addressed in the Bible. So what do you do? You must have a renewed mind. Be transformed by the renewal of your mind that you may prove how to eat, how to drink, cars to drive, houses to live in, missions to go on, friendships to cultivate...There are ten thousand decisions not written in the Bible, and yet informed by all the teachings of the Bible into this new mind; so that you think with the mind of Christ...so that the decisions that are made are flowing from the revealed will of God in the Bible as it transforms your mind"
As I prayed to specifics over the past few weeks, I was expecting a "message" or for things to suddenly become clear to me. That prayer was answered, but the specifics weren't what I had expected. God told me to love. God told me to serve. God told me to be where I am. God told me to pursue my love for writing and music AND to pursue missions and that those things don't have to clash.
And so several-week-long-story short, God told me everything I already knew in my head, but had to re-learn on my own for it to affect my heart.
The freedom he has given me to choose is beautiful, but the sovereignty he has over the life I'm living is freeing. Paradox? Yes. Impossible? Never.


So, did I discover my future and what God has in store for me? No. But I did learn that living with a renewed mind WHERE I'M AT is the best way to "matter". That's his will for me, and it's the same will for you.



Ps. Here is the link to John Piper's sermon (its free!) so you all can get a great work out AND learn God's will for your life!
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/what-is-the-will-of-god-and-how-do-we-know-it